dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
