I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
