I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
