well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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