We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
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It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
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Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.