I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
