every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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