Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
My vagina just recognized that song.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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