plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
