i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
