you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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