Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
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Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
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Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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