Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
