Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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