it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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