I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
