the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
