Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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