you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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