My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
