did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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