i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
