tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
