you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
