He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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