I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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