Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
