Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
