I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
