If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
What a dumb baby whore.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
