but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
