allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Buhtt sex?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
