Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
