does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
