Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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