Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
