Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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