Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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