Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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