Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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