The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Randomize
