Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
