During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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