I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
