I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
