I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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