tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
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You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
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I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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