I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
