I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
