i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
