My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
this just has baby written all over it
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
