uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
