the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
