I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
