he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
