I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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