I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
