My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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