my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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