we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
