Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
