'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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